Working With Doubt

tadamichi

I’ve been moved by the response to my recent posts on aligning your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with your mission in life – particularly the idea that your practice can be your purpose. 

That quest for a higher purpose has led to a series of conversations among community members about something we all come up against in this work – doubt.

The first thing I want to say is: doubt isn’t a sign that you’re doing something wrong or failing in your practice. Remember: there’s no such thing as failure; it’s all information. Doubt comes up for all of us, including me. And so, we’re going to talk about when and why we encounter doubt – and how to work with it.

Your State of Consciousness: Your Level of Mind

The first thing we need to recognize and understand is the level of consciousness – or unconsciousness – that leads to doubt.

What do we mean when we talk about consciousness? 

You can break it down like this: 

 

Consciousness is awareness. 

Awareness is paying attention. 

And paying attention is noticing where you’re directing your energy.

Think of your state of consciousness as your level of mind. 

In other words, 

1. How aware are you? 
2. What are you paying attention to? 
3. How are you reacting to your environment and circumstances? 
4. Are you noticing where most of your energy goes? 
5. Are your thoughts and feelings making things better – or worse?

What does this have to do with doubt? 

Let’s say you’re in the middle of a challenging situation and struggling to find a solution – but you’re still in the same level of mind that led to the challenge. Then, you probably do what most of us have become programmed to do in that circumstance. You focus even more intensely on the challenge, giving it your attention – and, therefore, your energy. 

And giving something your energy only ever does one thing: amplifies it.

As a consequence, the challenge has become more solidified in your world as a problem. 

As you feel the emotions associated with the current circumstance, you give the problem more and more energy. You become more frustrated; more anxious; more resentful. You fuel the emotional state that led to the thoughts ... that created the particular level of mind ... that brought you to this situation in the first place.

It’s so important to remember, in these moments, that you can’t solve a problem from the same level of mind – or consciousness – that created it. And the only way to change your consciousness is to change your energy.

What do I mean by that? 

To change your consciousness is to become aware that there is a new possible reality or solution. So, if you don’t change your consciousness, you’ll limit your awareness of that possibility and continue to fuel doubt by focusing on your problem – creating ever more distance between you and a solution.

The Level of Mind That Leads to Doubt

To better understand how your level of mind can intensify doubt, think of a challenging situation from your past – one where you struggled to find a solution. Maybe it was a serious health condition that was getting worse. Or a difficult financial circumstance. And let’s say it was a situation you wrestled with for a long time – or kept coming up against in familiar ways. You did everything you thought you knew could change it.

Now, see if you can identify some thoughts and feelings that led to the level of consciousness you associate with that experience. Maybe you had an old story in your head about lack – and it activated feelings about abundance being out of reach for you. Maybe you spent hours online reading about a troubling diagnosis and became convinced there was no hope of healing.

Looking back, you might be able to see that you kept giving energy to the problem by paying more and more attention to it in the same exact ways. Maybe now, you can recognize that you got stuck in that situation because every day, you approached the same problem with the same level of mind – meaning you couldn’t see a solution.

When we can’t imagine a solution ... when we’re unaware of, or can’t envision a new possibility ... then it doesn’t exist for us. And when possibility doesn’t exist for us, we can’t believe our situation will ever change.

And what is disbelief? It’s doubt. This isn’t working. This issue will never change. I’ll never figure this out. I’m not doing it right. It works for other people, but not for me. I’ll never ...

So, if you’re facing a problem, but you’re at the same level of mind that created it, you’re going to see and react to it in the same ways that led to it in the first place. You’re going to keep doing what you know – more of the same – even if you’ve already seen and experienced that it doesn’t work.

In other words, your consciousness is now equal to the problem itself. And now, the problem is controlling the way you feel and think. You become a victim of your environment and circumstances – instead of the creator of change in your life.

And the harder you try to solve the problem from within that state of mind, the more elusive the solution seems. And the more doubt takes hold. Even if intellectually, you understand there might be a solution, you still doubt it can happen – because you can’t feel it.

New Level of Mind; New Possibilities

If we use “consciousness” interchangeably with “level of mind,” “awareness,” or “energy,” then we could say the level of mind that leads to doubt arises from a certain level of energy. That’s why it makes sense that we can’t solve a problem from the same level of mind (or energy) that created it.

A simpler way to say it is: to solve a problem, we must first change our energy – or our emotional state – around it. Because it’s only in changing our energy that we change our level of mind ... and only by changing our level of mind that we can become conscious of new possibilities.

When we default back to our old ways of thinking and feeling; old ways of believing and behaving; we return to the level of mind that leads to doubt and disbelief. We limit ourselves from new ways of seeing our circumstances – and new ways of approaching (and solving) the challenges in our lives.

The key, then, is to learn how to change our level of mind by changing our energy – and then sustain that elevated state, even in the midst of persistently challenging circumstances.

I hope you’re wondering how to do that – because that’s what we’ll explore next.

Working With Doubt: 

Changing Your Energy

We left off talking about the key to working with doubt: and that’s learning how to change your level of mind – or consciousness – by changing your energy. What inevitably comes next is:

                    OK, but – how?

In Part I, we discussed the first step: becoming aware of your level of consciousness – that is, how you think and feel about whatever circumstance is creating the doubt – and noticing how it affects your perspective. Now, let’s talk about how you can work with doubt from that place of understanding.

Cultivating Awareness

As you did for Part I, think of a challenging situation in your life – only this time, think of one you’re currently facing. It could be a worsening health condition ... persistent financial troubles ... or perhaps a deepening relationship conflict.

Now, applying what you’ve learned about your level of consciousness, see if you can tune in and become aware of that now. Are you feeling the same feelings, thinking the same thoughts, or doing the same things you’ve always done to try to address the issue? 

In other words, are you trying to solve the problem from the same level of consciousness that led to it?

If it feels challenging to try to see yourself in this way, don’t worry – and don’t judge yourself. Our survival instincts are so hard-wired, it can be difficult to have any objectivity about ourselves when the feelings associated with them – such as fear, anxiety, worry, mistrust, frustration, defeat, or resentment – are activated.

And challenging yourself in this way, especially when it’s unpredictable or unfamiliar, might bring some of those feelings up – along with doubt. But don’t be discouraged. If you can catch your personal reactions while trying to determine your level of consciousness, you’re already raising your awareness. That’s because consciousness is awareness. That’s why the first step is to become conscious of your unconscious self.

Now, let’s work on developing that blossoming awareness to change your energy. The best way to do that is by first practicing during your meditations.

Elevating Emotions; Opening Your Heart

Before you begin, think about your intentions for your meditation. Because you’re working with doubt, and how to change your level of consciousness by changing your energy, here are some things to focus on:

1. Set the intention to move out of the addictive emotions of survival – which fuel doubt – and into the elevated emotions of creation (remember, your heart is your creative center): joy, wonder, curiosity, awe, gratitude, compassion, and care. I’ve found there’s no greater way to change your energy than feeling the emotions connected to pure love. That’s the consciousness – and the energy – of the heart; the fourth energy center.

2. To help you feel those elevated emotions, practice opening your heart during your meditation. 

For tips on how to do this, you can re-read my post about the Tuning In With Your Heart Meditation – which is a great one to work with for this exercise.

In doing just these two things during your meditation, you’ll get a sense of the energy and emotions related to what it feels like to be in a new reality – one where the situation you’re in is significantly different. And simply doing that will change your energy. Why? Think of emotions as “energy in motion” – meaning, when you change your emotions, you change your energy.

And, as I’ve said many times: When you change your energy, you change your life.

When you feel the emotions of your new future, you turn up the volume on trust – and turn down the volume on doubt. Suddenly, you begin to become conscious and aware of possibilities you’d never considered before.

Memorizing a Feeling; Installing a Mind

In essence, you’re using your meditation practice to train your body and mind to feel new emotions and to think differently – which will lead to new behaviors. Through this practice, you’re “memorizing the feeling” of living in a different world; one where a new experience – in this case, the resolution of a problem – has already happened.

You’re learning how to install and exercise a new mind; one capable of staying aware of new thoughts and possibilities – not only while in meditation, but also after you’ve opened your eyes and returned to daily life. That’s why you’re doing the meditation in the first place.

The purpose is to evolve from a place of limited belief to one of unlimited belief. And since a belief is just a thought you keep thinking over and over again, you must remind yourself to stop thinking the same old way and start thinking a new way – until you believe those new thoughts. That’s when you’ve installed a new mind – and, at the same time, uninstalled the old one.

The best part about this exercise is, you don’t have to know how the situation is going to change (that’s the known); you just have to change your energy and live in the possibility that it already has changed. That is, you live in the unknown – but without doubt.

Let’s go back to the situation you’re currently facing. 

If it’s financial stress, you might be stuck in survival emotions and thoughts based in fear, worry, and guilt – that this won’t ever change; that you’ll never have enough; that your family’s future and well-being will be negatively impacted. You might compare yourself to other people and feel unworthy to have abundance yourself – or shame about not measuring up.

So now, when you enter your “think box” before meditation, you’re aware of the level of consciousness (or unconsciousness) that fuels the problem. This will help you identify the feelings and thoughts you want to practice during your meditation. In other words, you’ve clarified the emotions you want to change in order to change your energy – because those are the exact emotions that keep you from seeing change and cause you to doubt. When you feel those familiar emotions, you can’t believe in a different future – and you’re more prone to believe in what you know from the past.

When you enter your “play box” in meditation, then, you practice feeling elevated emotions – because they cause you to believe in that new future. That’s why some people in this work – people who’ve changed their health or life circumstances in other significant ways – sometimes meditate two or three times a day. They do it to overcome their doubt and chronic disbelief – by changing their energy and emotional state. They do it so they can believe again and again.

So, in your meditation, you might practice feeling immense gratitude for having all your needs met. Or the tremendous lightheartedness and relief that comes with the freedom to do whatever you want – whenever you want. Or you tune in to the great joy of having so much abundance, you can give it away – and spread joy to others.

You practice feeling love for your life – every part of it, including the very challenges that brought you to this moment of awakening and possibility.

From Survival to Creation: A Triumph

What you’re learning to do, through these practices, is open and activate your creative center – the heart – and become aware, or conscious, of possibilities that already exist by installing a new mind in the brain as well as the body. In doing so, you change your energy – and, therefore, your consciousness.

You begin to develop a new way of thinking and feeling – which will enable you to face the challenges in your life by behaving in new and different ways. As you hone these skills, you’ll discover solutions that were always there – you just couldn’t see them from the same level of consciousness that created the problem in the first place.

If you can teach your body what it feels like to be in that new future, and keep reminding yourself how to approach the problem with a new consciousness, you’ve entered your meditation as one person (the same old person with the same old problem and the same old inability to solve it) and you’ve come out of it as a new person – with a new mind. You’ve opened your heart to a new possibility.

You’ve moved from survival to creation. And that, in itself, is a triumph.

Over time, you can evolve your practice and perspective so that, when doubt arises – as it will for anyone in the river of change – it won’t overwhelm you. Instead, it can become a catalyst in your life. It can help you recognize your level of mind, clarify your intentions, and recommit to the work. Working with doubt in this way, you can change your energy – and change your life.

 

Dr Joe Dispenza

Gaslighting

 

Gaslighting é uma forma de abuso psicológico na qual informações são distorcidas, seletivamente omitidas para favorecer o abusador ou simplesmente inventadas com a intenção de fazer a vítima duvidar de sua própria memória, percepção e sanidade. Casos de gaslighting podem variar da simples negação por parte do agressor de que incidentes abusivos anteriores já ocorreram, até a realização de eventos bizarros pelo abusador com a intenção de desorientar a vítima.

Gaslighting, 

ou manipulação psicológica, 

é um tipo de violência 

psicológica e emocional que costumeiramente ocorre nos relacionamentos afetivos, 

mas pode acontecer 

em outras relações – familiar,

 profissional e de amizade.

Nos estudos a respeito do gaslighting, a psicologia esclarece que os maus tratos à vítima é uma forma de se beneficiar da situação. Ainda que o agressor seja confrontado por esse comportamento, ele vai negar ter más intenções.

Quem pratica essa forma de manipulação possui vários objetivos, mas, sobretudo, deseja obter poder sobre outra pessoa para a sua satisfação pessoal. A vítima, então, passa a considerar mais a opinião e a percepção do manipulador do que a sua própria. 

 

Mentiras, traições e manipulações. O gaslighting é uma forma de violência psicológica silenciosa que acontece por meio da distorção de fatos e omissão de situações em favor do abusador. 

O termo deve a sua origem à peça teatral Gas Light e às suas adaptações para o cinema, quando então a palavra se popularizou. O termo também tem sido utilizado na literatura clínica.

Gaslighting é, na verdade, “uma forma altamente calculista de manipulação – que envolve a desestabilização — de um indivíduo por outro durante um período prolongado de tempo”, disse Monica Vermani, psicóloga clínica do Canadá e autora de “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas”. 

 

“Mais comumente, o gaslighting — também conhecido como controle coercitivo — é realizado por alguém numa posição de confiança que está em contato próximo com o alvo”, acrescentou ela. “É um meio complexo e geralmente deliberado de controlar intencionalmente um indivíduo, que é realizado por um longo período de tempo”.

Como “o contato próximo é fundamental aqui”, acrescentou Vermani, a pessoa que faz gaslighting geralmente é um parceiro romântico, um amigo íntimo, membro da família ou um colega próximo.

Alguém que agride outra pessoa a desestabiliza e controla atacando as suas faculdades mentais para fazer a vítima pensar que a sua estabilidade emocional, credibilidade ou memória falha — fazendo com que a vítima desconfie de si mesma e confie mais na pessoa que a está agredindo.

O gaslighting também ajuda o perpetrador a evitar qualquer culpa ou responsabilidade por suas ações. “A pessoa joga mais com suas inseguranças e tenta atacar sua autoestima”, acrescentou.

Os gaslighters “são pessoas tipicamente emocionalmente abusivas — muitas vezes com baixa autoestima — que desejam controlar os outros em vez de se envolver em relacionamentos mutuamente respeitosos que exigem consideração, empatia, compaixão e bondade”, disse Vermani. “Eles buscam maneiras de minar e dominar alguém que temem perder, independentemente do dano causado ao alvo”.

Nem todo gaslighting é intencional, pois algumas pessoas crescem testemunhando esses padrões e subconscientemente os adotam como um mecanismo de enfrentamento ou método de resolução de conflitos, dizem os especialistas.

Mas, geralmente, os gaslighters costumam “mentir e enganar intencionalmente para confundir seu alvo”, disse Vermani, ou negar suas próprias mentiras ou a verdade de seu alvo, “mesmo diante de evidências em contrário”.

O grau em que uma pessoa manipula outra pessoa pode variar, mas o gaslighting é sempre um abuso emocional, intencional ou não, dizem os especialistas. E o gaslighting pode ter consequências insidiosas, especialmente depois de um longo período de tempo.

“Você começa a se perguntar se você é a razão pela qual essa pessoa está fazendo isso com você”, disse Vermani. “Essa dúvida pode ser bastante prejudicial em um nível intrínseco. Você dá desculpas para o comportamento da outra pessoa porque essa pessoa dá desculpas para seus comportamentos. Às vezes, você se esforça para protegê-los porque acredita que eles são mais inteligentes ou mais capazes do que você”.

Informações são omitidas, distorcidas ou criadas para sustentar o abuso psicológico. 

Dessa forma, a vítima duvida de si mesma e transfere a responsabilidade dos conflitos e problemas no relacionamento para si mesma. Ela pode chegar a duvidar da própria sanidade em casos extremos. Por exemplo, um cenário muito comum é quando um parceiro suspeita de uma traição e o outro jura não estar acontecendo nada, acusando-o de estar “vendo coisas” ou sendo dramático. 

O parceiro abusivo faz de tudo para desmerecer as suspeitas, acusando o outro de estar criando conflitos desnecessários. Logo, a pessoa esquece momentaneamente a desconfiança e passa a se culpar por ter causado uma situação desconfortável. 

Tanto homens quanto mulheres podem praticar gaslighting nas relações afetivas. 

No entanto, esse comportamento costuma ser mais predominante entre a população masculina. Essa realidade se deve ao machismo ainda intrínseco em nossa sociedade.

Ele começa sutilmente, com pequenas acusações e manipulações para abalar a autoconfiança. A vítima começa vagarosamente a acreditar mais no outro que em si mesma, questionando-se a todo instante. “Será que não estou sendo louca? Será que não estou exagerando?” são reflexões comuns.

À medida que o parceiro abusivo se sente confiante, as práticas aumentam e podem envolver ataques diretos. Ele pode atribuir às suspeitas e demandas emocionais da vítima a sua incapacidade de se satisfazer com a relação, insegurança, falta de autoestima, intelecto inferior, emoções descontroladas e assim por diante. 

A intenção de quem pratica gaslighting é justamente essa: maltratar e desrespeitar o próximo em prol do benefício próprio. Mesmo quando confrontado por exibir tal comportamento, o parceiro abusivo nega ter más intenções.

As manipulações recorrentes desestabilizam a vítima psicologicamente. Ela fica a mercê das opiniões do outro, sempre buscando saber o que ele pensa ou se aprova as suas escolhas. Amigos e familiares notam a redução expressiva em sua felicidade e tentam alertá-la, mas ela não consegue compreender que o outro é o problema. 

Essa forma de violência é muito poderosa em destruir o amor-próprio e a saúde mental das vítimas, tornando-as prisioneiras de relações abusivas. 

Como as manipulações são subtis, as pessoas têm dificuldade para identificar o gaslighting nos relacionamentos. A vítima eventualmente é acometida pelo esgotamento psicológico e a depressão, sendo incapaz de perceber a gravidade das atitudes do parceiro abusivo. 

O sentimento pelo parceiro também pode atrapalhar na hora do julgamento. A vítima pode se sentir tentada a criar desculpas para o comportamento questionável do parceiro por nutrir afeição por ele. Por isso, vale a pena levar em consideração as observações de amigos e pessoas próximas. As opiniões deles podem ajudar a perceber a realidade tóxica do relacionamento. 

A principal maneira de identificar o gaslighting é por meio da reflexão. 

 

A vítima deve analisar o comportamento do parceiro de maneira racional, questionando-se quais emoções são despertadas pelas posturas e palavras do parceiro, bem como pelos momentos compartilhados com ele. 

Elas são boas ou causam ansiedade? 

São confortáveis ou estressantes?

Em seguida, cabe refletir sobre as ocasiões em que o parceiro mentiu ou fez alegações falsas. Se o número for elevado, é provável que a vítima esteja sofrendo com essa forma de violência sem perceber.  

O veredicto costuma acontecer quando a pessoa tenta esclarecer as suas dúvidas através do diálogo. O parceiro abusivo busca mostrar à vítima que ela está errada, equivocada ou confusa, livrando-se, assim, da responsabilidade por seu comportamento questionável. Ele, ainda, diz como ela deve se sentir em relação aos ocorridos expostos durante a conversa. 

Para ajudar na reflexão, confira algumas frases tipicamente repetidas por quem pratica essa violência psicológica:

• “Você está louco”;
• “Você está imaginando coisas”;
• “Não foi assim que aconteceu”;
• “Deixe de ser dramático”;
• “O seu problema é que… (críticas a personalidade do cônjuge)”;
• “Não sei do que você está falando”;
• “Você é muito inseguro”;
• “Não está vendo que estou brincando?”;
• “Você implica com tudo”;
• “A culpa é sua”; 
• “Você é sensível demais”;
• “Você entende tudo errado”.

Qualquer pessoa 

pode utilizar o gaslighting para desestabilizar outra. 

Familiares, amigos, 

colegas de trabalho e chefes 

também podem ser manipuladores. 

Um supervisor pode tentar fazer um profissional com avaliações excelentes acreditar que não tem competência para não conceder uma promoção ou um aumento de salário. 

Um familiar pode inventar um cenário totalmente diferente para tentar escapar de ser magoado, insultado ou desrespeitado por alguém. 

É mais fácil identificar o manipulador nessas situações, pois não há um envolvimento emocional tão profundo quanto nos relacionamentos afetivos. A pessoa pode até ficar com dúvidas na hora, mas não acreditar totalmente nas mentiras do outro. 

Assim que as incertezas surgirem, a pessoa que mentiu deve ser questionada. Entretanto, evite fazê-lo com agressividade por mais que esteja com raiva. Essa postura pode fazer com que o mentiroso elabore mais desculpas esdrúxulas. Os questionamentos devem ser feitos num tom tranquilo, porém determinado. 

Caso a pessoa insista em mentir e não assumir o seu comportamento, a investigação pode ganhar um tom mais firme. Quem pratica gaslighting não consegue lidar com pessoas assertivas e seguras de si.

Confie em seu posicionamento e não permita que o mentiroso desconverse ou fantasie cenários não condizentes com a realidade. Se necessário, converse com outros indivíduos para ter provas do comportamento dele.

Os manipuladores emocionais usam diferentes táticas de gaslighting para desestruturar a vítima. Algumas são fáceis de identificar enquanto outras são subtis.

Quando a manipulação alcança um grau extremo e perceptível até para quem está vendo de fora, a vítima já está num estado muito fragilizado. Embora esteja sofrendo, ela não consegue terminar o relacionamento abusivo com o manipulador.

Além da fragilidade emocional, o que torna a percepção das formas de gaslighting complicada é o relacionamento mantido entre o manipulador e a vítima. Normalmente, eles se encontram numa relação amorosa, ou seja, há uma mistura de sentimentos bons e maus.

A vítima lembra-se de todos os momentos bons compartilhados com o manipulador e pergunta-se se não está a exagerar, afinal por que alguém que supostamente a ama lhe causaria tanto mal? 

Desse modo, ela cai num dilema complexo.

É por essa razão que muitas vítimas não escutam amigos e familiares. 

Por já terem sofrido muita violência psicológica e por nutrirem sentimentos pelo manipulador, elas relutam em aceitar a realidade. Não é que a pessoa goste de estar naquela posição desagradável, apenas não está emocionalmente pronta para compreender a situação.

12 formas comuns de gaslighting.

1. Mentira

Quem pratica gaslighting mente descaradamente para a vítima. As mentiras tentam levantar dúvidas na cabeça dela sobre o seu comportamento, a sua inteligência, as suas emoções e os seus demais relacionamentos, como amigos e familiares. Ela pode até desconfiar das palavras do manipulador, mas, como ele mente com tanta confiança, a sua percepção é colocada em dúvida.

2. Negação da realidade

O sinal de alerta clássico do gaslighting é a negação da realidade por parte do manipulador. Tudo o que a vítima diz é descartado como “loucura”, “mal-entendido”, “falta de intepretação” e outras desculpas para fazê-la duvidar do que realmente aconteceu.

Da mesma forma, quando ela questiona o porquê de ele ter dito determinadas palavras, o manipulador logo diz “eu não falei isso, você está viajando”.

3. Chantagem

O manipulador sabe usar o que a vítima ama contra ela. Ele reconhece a importância da família, dos amigos, dos filhos e do trabalho em sua vida. Assim, usa esses elementos contra ela para conseguir o que deseja.

4. Ameaça

Ameaças emocionais também são um sinal de gaslighting bastante comum. O manipulador diz “se você me deixar, eu vou tirar a minha vida/vou levar os seus filhos/você nunca mais vai achar alguém capaz de lhe aturar”. Aos poucos, essas palavras entram na cabeça da vítima e a deixam com medo. 

5. Aumento gradual de manipulações

As manipulações psicológicas e emocionais não costumam acontecer de uma vez só. Elas ocorrem gradualmente, começando com pequenos comentários e chantagens. Dessa forma, o manipulador não denuncia as suas verdadeiras intenções e consegue conquistar a vítima.

Quando vasculha as suas memórias, no entanto, consegue perceber que o manipulador se comportava de maneira muito diferente no começo da relação.

6. Incoerência

O manipulador não segue as próprias palavras. Ele possui diversas condutas incoerentes, as quais plantam dúvidas na mente da vítima. Por exemplo, ele afirma ser uma pessoa justa, mas demonstra ter comportamentos opostos aos seus supostos valores.   

7. Palavras amáveis

Para confundir a vítima, quem pratica gaslighting também sabe ser carinhoso. Ele ou ela age com amabilidade para conquistar a vítima sempre que ela se sente muito vulnerável. Dessa forma, ele consegue criar um ciclo de agressões psicológicas e interações amáveis, impedindo que a vítima termine o relacionamento. 

8. Exaustão mental

A frequência de manipulações é extenuante. A vítima começa a acreditar que está ficando louca. Será que está vendo mesmo a realidade? Será que está sendo enganada? Será que o parceiro teria coragem de tratá-la dessa forma?

Todos esses questionamentos levam a vítima à exaustão mental. Isso faz com que a sua capacidade de tomar decisões seja reduzida. Por essa razão, a vítima deve considerar os alertas dos familiares e amigos. Eles podem ajudá-la a sair dessa situação.

9. Acusações descabidas

O manipulador faz acusações descabidas contra a vítima. Ele a acusa de traição, de comportamentos inadequados, de querer magoá-lo, de ser uma pessoa má, entre outros.

Mesmo que as suas palavras não façam sentido, ele faz um drama para tentar convencer a vítima. Ela, por sua vez, fica tão preocupada em se defender que não percebe os sinais de alerta.

10. Constrangimento

Uma forma típica de manipulação psicológica é o constrangimento público e/ou privado da vítima. O manipulador faz comentários ácidos em tom de brincadeira ou tenta constrangê-la sem hesitação na frente de amigos e familiares.

11. Humilhação

A humilhação é outro sinal de alerta muito comum do gaslighting. Enquanto a vítima se desespera tentando entender o que está acontecendo, o manipulador debocha do seu estado emocional e a humilha sutilmente ou descaradamente. Ele faz isso tanto em público quanto em momentos íntimos para desmoralizá-la ainda mais.

12. Chantagem emocional

A chantagem emocional possui o mesmo objetivo da ameaça: perturbar a vítima. O manipulador afirma que a vítima está sempre querendo fazê-lo se sentir mal, que ela não se importa com ele de verdade, e que não sabe por que ainda continuam juntos. Ele joga toda a responsabilidade dos seus sentimentos nela. E a vitimização vem sempre junto.

HOTEL DO ALÉM

Aqui é tudo luxo.

Tudo é por milagre.

Aqui já ninguém mente, ninguém teme,

ninguém espera ontem nem desespera,

ninguém se esconde atrás do que diz.

Hotel de mil estrelas cujo maior encanto

é a cuidada ausência de perguntas.

Da varanda de cada quarto

vê-se a vida, o terno

e patétido afã dos que estão vivos.

Aqui reina a glória. Não temos

deveres. E não há outro

cativeiro senão o canto. Que ninguém ouve.

Aqui já ninguém chama nem espera.

Mas o que gostaríamos,

se não fosse pedir muito, era um dia

ficar na remota realidade

a beber algo juntos,

juntos, a beber algo.

Juan Vicente Piqueras

in, O Quarto Vazio 

“I miss you and I’m happy you're gone.”

 

“I miss my mother . . . but 

I’m also happy she’s gone. 

I’ve had a life that I would not have had if 

she was still here. 

How do I reconcile these feelings?"

 

Standing and shaking, surrounded by thousands of people, the woman who asked this during a recent Q&A stared at me waiting for an answer. I didn’t have a simple one. The collective “Mmmm” in the room—that ineffable sound of recognition, empathy, and kindred pain—was evidence of how many people related to her dilemma. I did, too.

 

IT'S TABOO TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SOME DEATHS ARE LIBERATING.

It doesn’t mean you wanted the person dead. I wanted to help her switch from an “all-or-nothing” mentality to a more nuanced place. “You loved her AND her absence made room for choices you would not have dared make if she was there.” I was talking about relational ambivalence: the experience of contradictory thoughts and feelings—of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear—toward someone with whom you are in a relationship. 

It’s intrinsic to all relationships, including the very first: with your mother.

 

As I was answering her, I smiled in recognition, hearing my own mother’s voice: 

“Careful what you tell her, Esther. By the way, I don’t like your outfit and you look pale.” 

 

MY MOTHER AND I HAD A VOLATILE RELATIONSHIP FOR MANY YEARS.

She was brilliant in many ways, especially at verbally chopping people up. No one could ever insult my brain or body or clothes or home or choices more than my mother. I had to have double the confidence; once to resist her and once to motivate myself. I fought her off, but she crept under my skin. Over time, my skin got thicker, but it was a brutal process. 

 

For years, I thought I would not become a mother until I was certain I wouldn’t be like her, which of course led to her blaming me for delaying her becoming a grandmother. You can’t know which parts of your parents will show up in your own parenting style until you catch yourself in the act. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I did end up saying things to my kids that I had promised myself never to say. (I, too, comment on their outfits and paleness before asking, “How are you?”) 

But I also recognize the many qualities I appreciate about myself that come from her: my passion for dancing, music, fashion, and style; my sense of humor; and especially my love of hosting. Both of my parents hosted, but she did everything down to the dishes (though my father wiped those dishes dry). At the end of every party, my parents did their dishes dance, side by side, hips swaying in unison, her washing, him drying. It’s how I knew she was capable of affection—just not for me. Of course, if you asked my father about any of this, he would say, "She's this way because she loves you."

 

THE ART OF THE REFRAME

She died in 2000 but lives on as a voice in my head. Recently, I was asked what that voice actually says. I listened in and heard something different, not criticism but superstition.

Praise makes your head swell. 

Your friends and neighbors will tell you good stuff about yourself. The mother tells you what they won't.

Don't ever believe that good things last. You won't be prepared when things inevitably go bad.

These myths from my mother were part of a long-standing cultural tradition. While I appreciate what her fatalistic stance did for her, I did not appreciate it as a mothering philosophy. So I set out to look for a different one. I wanted to get my mother and me out of our stalemate as well as give my own kids a strategy to use whenever I started to resemble her less-than-lovely qualities. 

I stopped fighting her and instead began to tell her, always with a laugh, 

“Thank you for not giving up on me and for always trying to make me a better person. But you should know that you’ve done a good job.” 

In effect, I was telling her that she was okay instead of constantly having to prove that I was okay. 

 

HUMOR IS ONE OF THE BEST TOOLS FOR DIFFUSING CONFLICT.

I have used this strategy for decades to help people disentangle. Another strategy, depending on the severity of the situation, is realizing that you don’t have to reject a parent whole in order to not repeat their behaviors or simply make room for your own autonomy. You can take some pieces and leave others. To the woman who asked the question in the Q&A, and to all of you who say “Mmmm,” authenticity to yourself co-exists with loyalty to others. Maturity is our ability to hold these contradictions. This is foundational to all relationships. 

 

Let's Turn the Lens on You 

• Do you, or did you, experience relational ambivalence with your mother? 

• How did it show up for you?

• What are the positive qualities you see in yourself that come from your mother?

• The less-than-lovely qualities?

• What myths did she pass on to you? Did they help? If not, how are you unlearning them?

• What are you grateful to her for?

• Do you wish you knew more about your mother? What questions would you ask? 

• Do you wish you knew less? Why? 

• What is a conversation with your mother you’ve only had in your head? 

• What is a conversation you had with your mother that stays with you?

Esther Perel

Pedra Filosofal

Muhammad Ilyasa

 Eles não sabem que o sonho

é uma constante da vida

tão concreta e definida

como outra coisa qualquer,

como esta pedra cinzenta

em que me sento e descanso,

como este ribeiro manso

em serenos sobressaltos,

como estes pinheiros altos

que em verde e oiro se agitam,

como estas aves que gritam

em bebedeiras de azul.

Eles não sabem que o sonho

é vinho, é espuma, é fermento,

bichinho álacre e sedento,

de focinho pontiagudo,

que fossa através de tudo

num perpétuo movimento.

Eles não sabem que o sonho

é tela, é cor, é pincel,

base, fuste, capitel,

arco em ogiva, vitral,

pináculo de catedral,

contraponto, sinfonia,

máscara grega, magia,

que é retorta de alquimista,

mapa do mundo distante,

rosa-dos-ventos, Infante,

caravela quinhentista,

que é Cabo da Boa Esperança,

ouro, canela, marfim,

florete de espadachim,

bastidor, passo de dança,

Colombina e Arlequim,

passarola voadora,

pára-raios, locomotiva,

barco de proa festiva,

alto-forno, geradora,

cisão do átomo, radar,

ultra-som, televisão,

desembarque em foguetão

na superfície lunar.

Eles não sabem, nem sonham,

que o sonho comanda a vida.

Que sempre que um homem sonha

o mundo pula e avança

como bola colorida

entre as mãos de uma criança.

António Gedeão

New Moon in Taurus – Your UVP

 On May 8th, 2024 we have a New Moon at 18° Taurus.

The New Moon forms a powerful conjunction-stellium with Venus, Jupiter, and Uranus, amplifying the energy of this lunation.

Jupiter and Uranus, as outer planets, represent collective energies. When aligned with personal planets like the Sun, Moon, and Venus, these influences become more intimate and relevant on a personal level.

The upcoming New Moon in Taurus will activate the promise of the Jupiter-Uranus conjunction, bringing forth important insights or revelations that resonate with your personal journey and aspirations.

At the New Moon in Taurus, something important that may have been elusive or unclear before will become more personal and relatable.

New Moon In Taurus – As Within, So Without

The Jupiter-Uranus conjunction last month came with the promise of an important OPPORTUNITY.

The challenge with the ‘opportunity’, given the context of Jupiter and Uranus as outer planets, lies in its collective nature.

There might be opportunities ‘out there’ but this doesn’t mean that we, individuals, know how to tap into them.

In fact, when our self-awareness (Aries) and self-worth (Taururs) are lacking, we might not even recognize these opportunities – even when they are right in front of our eyes – let alone tap into them.

Why?

“As within, so without, 

as above, so below, 

as the universe, so the soul.”

This basically means that the world around us is a reflection of who we are on the inside. 

Those ‘opportunities’ only exist when the person that we are is able to recognize and seize them.

The magic is finding that sweet spot where our personal talent (Sun, Moon, and Venus) meets opportunity (Jupiter and Uranus).

We need to be able to tune into the frequencies of the outer world, we need an energetic alignment between the inner and the outer. And to ‘tune in’, we need a unique set of skills.

A salesperson will notice subtle cues given off by a prospect that indicate they are ready to buy. A photographer will intuitively spot the best shots because their brain is tuned to that frequency.

Abundance and opportunity are not luck; they are about tuning your inner frequency to match the frequency of the universe. As Seneca put it, “Luck is where opportunity meets preparation”.

We can only recognize opportunities when we know who we are, what our skills are, and what we have to offer to the world.

When we don’t know who we are or lack clarity about our abilities, we may overlook potential opportunities that are perfectly aligned with our talents.

However, when we have a clear understanding of ourselves and our unique offerings, we effortlessly attract the right opportunities that resonate with our true selves.

New Moon In Taurus – Your Unique Value Proposition (UVP)

The Unique Value Proposition (UVP) is a term used to describe the specific benefits or advantages that a product, service, or offering provides to its customers or audience, setting it apart from competitors.

People also have UVPs. A personal UVP is what sets an individual apart, what unique skills, experiences, or qualities they bring to the table, and why they are valuable or indispensable in a particular context.

A UVP is our unique combination of skills, expertise, personality traits, and experiences that make us stand out from others in our field of work or any other setting.

Knowing what your UVP is can help you attract opportunities that align with your strengths and capabilities.

Our unique value proposition is centered around value creation. It’s something that actually creates value for the world.

You might be the most amazing accountant, but if the labor market is saturated or if technology replaces our skills, then finding opportunities might be challenging.

You could be the best emerging artist, but if no one is interested in that particular style or genre of art, gaining traction could be difficult. Of course, you can continue making art for the joy of it, but you would still need a viable income to make ends meet.

Our unique value proposition is not only rooted in our talents and skills, but also helps us create or produce something that fulfills a genuine need in the world.

Taurus And Value Creation

Out of all the signs of the zodiac, Taurus is instrumental in understanding what our unique value proposition is. Taurus, the 2nd sign of the zodiac, provides the solid foundations for Aries’ seed of life to take shape and manifest in the material world.

Taurus shapes and creates the tangible realities of our world thanks to its earthy, practical, matter-of-fact attributes.

Taurus is the sign of resources – not only material resources – but also our mental, emotional, and spiritual resources. Basically, everything that is ours – everything that we can use to support and sustain ourselves and others.

We know that our resources create value when we can recognize the connection between what we input (effort, time, energy) and what output results from it.

This output is something that the world needs and it’s willing to pay for.

I’ll never forget my first ‘Taurus’ job as a fruit picker, where I learned the values of hard work and consistency. More importantly, the straightforward nature of this job taught me there’s a ‘basic formula’ to value creation: 1 bushel of picked fruit = x amount of earnings; 1 hour of work = x customers served.

Of course, it becomes more complex when what we offer is intellectual or emotional support – it’s hard to measure what impact a counselor has on their clients’ lives, for example.

Nevertheless, there’s always some sort of basic equation or relationship between what we do, the value we create, and the benefits derived from it.

To achieve success in life, it’s crucial to recognize what exactly it is that we excel at, and then focus and capitalize on that.

Maybe the counselor in our example above has very good results with helping people recover from addictions – because they have experienced addiction themselves – but not so good with relationship counseling.

If what we do (job, personal project) doesn’t actually create value, we will never be able to tap into Jupiter’s proverbial abundance and opportunities.

Taking in any type of client can dilute the counselor’s expertise and effectiveness. The counselor (for their sake, and for the sake of their future clients) would be much better off focusing on addiction-recovery. That’s their core competency. That’s what they’re good at. That’s what sets them apart from other counselors.

New Moon In Taurus – Your Unique Skill That The World Needs

Focusing on what you’re really good at (and removing non-value-adding activities) will give you a unique advantage and maximize your impact.

The New Moon in Taurus conjunct Venus, Jupiter, and Uranus is an invitation to discover your unique value proposition – that thing you’re really good at and that the world needs.

The New Moon in Taurus is an invitation to reflect on the following questions:

1. “What am I really good at?”
2. “What unique skills or qualities do I have that the world needs?”
3. “What is my unique value proposition”?

in, Astro Butterfly

On Pain

 

wundervisuals

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses

your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its

heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the

daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem

less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,

even as you have always accepted the seasons that

pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the

winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within

you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy

in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by

the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has

been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has

moistened with His own sacred tears.

Kahlil Gibran

Childhood Roles In Dysfunctional Families

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can be challenging, often leading children to assume specific roles within the family dynamics.

As described by family therapists Hawkins and Hawkins, these roles shed light on how children adapt to and cope with difficult circumstances.

Whether you were the responsible hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, or the class clown, each role uniquely shaped your childhood.

So, let’s take a closer look at these roles and reflect on your experiences.

The Hero: 

Driven, Successful & Self-Sufficient

“The first role is the hero who’s very driven and successful, self-sufficient, responsible. By being successful, they then offer status to the family.”

In many dysfunctional families, a child becomes the family’s pillar of strength—the hero.

This role is taken on by someone who is driven, successful, and highly responsible. The hero strives for success to achieve personal goals and bring a sense of pride and status to the family.

They may assume parental responsibilities, caring for their siblings and parents. Though their achievements may be commendable, a child’s weight of responsibility can be overwhelming.

The Scapegoat: 

Acting Out to Divert Attention

“The second role is the scapegoat. This is a child who acts out and starts to get blamed for all the problems in the family.”

Imagine being the child constantly in trouble, blamed for all the family’s problems—that’s the scapegoat.

In a dysfunctional home, this role emerges due to frustration and anger.

The scapegoat acts out, becoming the center of attention and diverting focus from the family’s more profound issues, such as abuse or addiction.

It’s essential to understand that behind the rebellious behavior lies a child desperately seeking an outlet for their emotions.

The Lost Child: 

Silent and Lonely

The third role is called the Lost Child. These children follow the rules, fly low, under the radar, adjust to everyone else, don’t ask for anything, but end up being very isolated and lonely.”

For some children, blending into the background becomes a survival strategy—the lost child. These individuals adapt by flying low, following the rules, and not asking for anything.

They become skilled at becoming invisible, minimizing conflicts, and avoiding attention.

While their ability to adapt is remarkable, the price they pay is often a profound sense of isolation and loneliness.

The lost child silently yearns for connection and struggles with their unexpressed needs and desires.

The Mascot or Class Clown: 

Humor as a Shield

“This child, for a dysfunctional family, was a good distraction, and a lot of their humor is to actually cover up their pain and low self-esteem….”

Meet the life of the party—the mascot or class clown.

Usually, the youngest child, this individual thrives on being well-liked and outgoing. Their humor becomes a coping mechanism to distract from their pain and insecurities.

The mascot’s ability to bring laughter and fun to a dysfunctional environment is a double-edged sword.

Beneath the jokes and cheerful demeanor lies a broken sense of self, longing for genuine validation and acceptance.

Reflecting on Your Childhood Role

Now that you’ve explored these four roles reflect on your own experiences.

1. What role did you play in your family? 
2. Did you embody the characteristics of the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, or the mascot?

Remember, there are no right or wrong answers, and

these roles do not define your worth or future.

• Understanding the impact of your childhood role can provide valuable insights into your personal growth, relationships, and self-perception.

• Recognize the strengths you developed in your position and any challenges you may face.

• By acknowledging these aspects of your past, you can embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery.

Martha A. Lavallie

Dysfunctional families are, according to the acclaimed author Robert Burney,   

"… the product of an emotionally dishonest, shame based, patriarchal society based upon beliefs that do not support Loving self or Loving neighbor."

It’s a widely held view that children who are raised in dysfunctional families adopt particular roles in order to survive their childhood and manage the resulting discomfort and pain.

When we talk about dysfunctional families we mean families with parents who have very poor parenting skills that have often evolved because of mental health issues.

The sort of ‘dysfunction’ we’re talking about is when some of the following are present:

1. neglect, 
2. violence, 
3. shame, 
4. conditional love, 
5. lack of consistency in parenting, 
6. no clear boundaries, 
7. gender prejudice, 
8. sexuality intolerance, 
9. denial of feelings 
10. etc.

 

Of course, I’ve actually yet to meet a family that isn’t dysfunctional. 

And perhaps anyone can identify with one or more of the childhood family roles but of course it’s all in the scale. By scale I mean the proportion of dysfunction.

I’ve spent time with some families that seem extremely dysfunctional but, at the end of the day, all the family members feel loved, respected and supported in spite of all that's happened to them!

So the extent to which you might identify with any of these roles can range from light to extreme.

Light is when even though you understand the sentiment, you chuckle at the absurdity of scoping out the whole species into five childhood roles.

Extreme is where you know that fulfilling these roles was the thing that kept you from your mental health being demolished.

"There's no such thing as fun for the whole family". 

Jerry Seinfeld 

What happens is that there’s a blend of each child identifying a role and/or being assigned a role in order to fit into the dysfunctional family dynamics.

These roles serve the child, the parents and the siblings as a way of keeping all the balls in the air whilst trying to grow up in a challenging environment.

Some people identify with more than one role. 

Which one do you identify with?

• Hero  

• Problem Child  

• Mascot/Clown  

• Lost Child  

• The Rescuer/Caretaker 

The Hero

The heroes tend to be firstborn. They are high achievers, responsible and perfectionist. By becoming academically successful, or excelling at sports, this helps them to feel in control and help to make their families look good.

Although they take responsibility for their family’s problems, they are, at the same time people-pleasers who seek others’ approval.

Being a hero masks their feelings of loneliness, loss, anger and resentment at not being listened to, not being heard and having to be too grown up to soon. 

The family view of the child is ‘Ahh, look at Thomas, he’s just such a good, hardworking boy; why can’t the others be like him? He makes my life so easy, does what he’s told and just gets on with it’.

Teachers generally view a hero child as the model pupil but, this success traps the hero child in a vicious cycle of trying to be the best – hiding feelings of loneliness and not ever feeling good enough – feeling angry about the pressure but not able to express it – feeling depressed as a result – working harder to cover it up.

 

The Problem Child

The ‘problem’ child is chaotic, expressing his grief, anger and unhappiness by acting out the feelings instead of expressing them and becoming the bad boy or girl of the family. 

The problem child appears to be the big challenge in the family and this can deflect attention from the other family problems because everyone can focus on his outrageous behavior.

It’s a paradox because when the problem child acts out and shocks the family, the repercussions for that child can be miserable and he is continually blamed for all the family’s problems.  This cycle of behavior and negative feedback can cause a deep depression because the very core of a child’s self-worth is at stake. 

It is so difficult for the parents of a problem child to know what to do because although the child wants to be accepted as a whole person – and that comes with a lot of pain and anger, the parents also have to set tight boundaries on the behavior to ensure he doesn't become out of control. 

The problem child may also become the scapegoat outside the home and may indulge in a vicious circle of acting out problem behavior then becoming scapegoated as he gets blamed for everything. 

The family view of the child is ‘Oh look at Thomas. How are we ever going to be happy whilst he’s such a problem.’

.

The Mascot/Clown

Mascot children cope by hiding their inner feelings of pain, frustration, anger and hurt by becoming jokers or by acting as if they are happy. They are celebrated for their humor, wit and cynicism, the mascot’s charmingly buffoonish behavior deflects attention away from the family and on to the mascot.

They are the cheerleader of the family and their whole sense of identity hides the ugliness of the family. But, there is a lot of insecurity and fear in this child because what happens if no one thinks they are funny? Who are they then? When things get tense in the family, that their cue to act funny.

Often the mascot is the class clown in school; the other children laugh but the teachers don’t. Yet at home the family positively values the mascot, ‘what would we do without Thomas? He keeps us all going!’ They encourage the same behavior that the mascot gets punished for at school.

 

The Lost Child

Lost children cope by withdrawing or isolating themselves from their families, denying their hurt and trying to convince themselves that their problems don’t exist, to the point that they try not to exist by becoming invisible. The lost child may also become the invisible child in the corner or at the back of the room.

This child identifies with the other family members pain and tries to help them but because they can’t (because they are children not adults) they usually remove them selves from the situation and become hidden.

Because their coping strategy involves removing themselves from situations they can’t handle, lost children are generally perceived as shy, sensitive loners.

This detachment can help the lost child to gain control and protect himself but it does cost him by losing closeness with other members of the family and friends. This child provides relief for a family "At least someone in our family doesn’t cause us any problems”.

 

The Rescuer/Caretaker

The rescuer is the child who tends to take on the role of managing the familial problems. Essentially, he is (unknowingly) trying to fix the family, particularly the parents, so that they will eventually be able to take care of him.

These children become very sensitive to others’ needs and take on a lot of the emotional issues, trying to solve everyone else’s problems.

As a result, they become bossy and controlling, particularly towards the problem child and the parents. In turn they are highly critical of others and particularly the parents choices.

They are particularly helpful and supportive but the downside is they ignore their own well-being.

How we continue to act out the roles in adulthood 

As the hero we may end up becoming very successful in our careers but not necessarily fulfilled. We may seek to bury ourselves in work rather than face our feelings of inadequacy and failure. 

As the problem child we may well get ourselves into plenty of trouble, legally and otherwise. We are angry at the world and, once we left home, we found a way of expressing it that may not be to our best interest. We may have struggled with relationships and feel very lonely but not be able to see why.

As the mascot/clown we feel compelled to be in the centre stage and consider it our duty to entertain our friends and come across as the life and soul of the party.

As the lost child, we don’t like to be seen and get panicky about having to do anything that might expose us.

As the rescuer/caretaker we may suffer within close relationships as we try to fix others and put their needs before our own.  They tend to be excessively focused on other people and feel they need to make the other person happy.

From the outside it may look like the rescuer/caretaker is a guardian angel but as the other person becomes the centre of their world, their own life is crushed. They often tolerate abuse, misbelieving that it’s somehow their fault. 

 

We also overlap the roles

What usually happens is that we take on a main role but can slip into other roles from time to time.

My role was generally the ‘problem’ child but there were times when I became the ‘mascot’ and found a niche in entertaining everyone and feeling some sense of belonging and being accepted. Still do.

In my early adult life I naturally shifted into these roles when was particularly stressed or depressed and I wanted to keep other people at a distance. Now, however, if I feel myself slipping into these roles I know that I need to be more honest with myself, and those close to me, about how I’m feeling and what it is I’m trying to avoid.

Alexandra Massey